The Five Most Important Lessons from My First Five Years of Living Authentically as a Trans Woman
My 5th Transaversary
As I celebrate my fifth anniversary of living authentically as my true self, I feel immense gratitude for the journey I've experienced.
Coming out at 52 was an act of personal liberation and a defiance of the societal norms that had influenced my life for decades. The past five years have taught me more than I ever imagined about myself, my relationships, and the world we live in.
These are the five most profound lessons I've learned since choosing to live openly and authentically as a trans woman. I hope these reflections will resonate with anyone who has ever struggled to embrace their truth and shed light on the power of living authentically—not just for trans individuals but for everyone.
Self-Acceptance is an Ongoing Journey
When I first came out, I thought self-acceptance was a finish line I had crossed. I assumed the hard part was over once I acknowledged my true self to the world. I could live free from the shame and self-doubt that had shadowed me for decades. And while coming out did lift an enormous weight from my shoulders, I quickly learned that self-acceptance is not an event—it's an ongoing process.
Living authentically as a trans woman means continually confronting societal expectations, internalized transphobia, and the echoes of a life lived in hiding. There are days when dysphoria sneaks in or when I catch myself doubting my worth or feeling the need to "prove" my womanhood. These moments can be agonizing, but they are also opportunities to extend myself grace and compassion.
Self-acceptance has also meant coming to terms with my past. For years, I felt a resonant regret for my time living as someone I wasn't. But I've learned to reframe those years as part of my journey. They shaped the person I am today—a resilient, empathetic woman who deeply appreciates the joy of living authentically. Self-acceptance is not about erasing insecurities or doubts; it's about holding space for them while continuing to move forward. It's about acknowledging your worth, celebrating your growth, and embracing every part of your journey—even the messy parts.
When You Come Out, So Does Your Family
One of the most difficult lessons I've learned is that coming out isn't just about you—it's about everyone around you. When I came out as a trans, my family, friends, and loved ones were also thrust into their own process of "coming out." They had to adjust to a new understanding of who I am and, in most cases, confront their own biases, fears, and expectations. For some, this journey was seamless. They embraced my truth with open arms and celebrated my courage. For others, it was more complicated. They struggled to reconcile the person they thought they knew with the woman I knew myself to be. I've had to learn patience—not just with others, but with myself. It's not easy to navigate the complexities of these relationships, especially when someone you love reacts with confusion, hesitation, or even rejection.
I have written many times about the cost of this transition. I lost the three most important people in my life, the three people I care most about.
I've also learned the importance of setting boundaries. While it's natural to want your family and friends to fully understand and accept you, their journey cannot come at the expense of your own well-being. It took time for me to release the need for universal approval and to focus instead on nurturing the relationships that truly support and affirm me.
Coming out teaches us that love is not always perfect. It's messy, complicated, and sometimes painful. But it's also transformative. The relationships that have deepened since my transition are more authentic and meaningful than I ever thought possible. And the new connections I've made—with people who see and celebrate me for who I truly am—have been a source of immense joy and belonging.
Relationships are Complex and Ever-Evolving
Transitioning reshapes your relationships in profound ways. It's not just your identity that changes—your dynamics with others also shift. Some connections flourish as people embrace and celebrate your authentic self, while others falter under the weight of misunderstanding, prejudice, or, in my case, religious dogma. Over the past five years, I've come to understand that relationships are not static. They evolve, just as we do. One of the most surprising lessons has been how my transition has revealed the true nature of the people around me. Some friends and family members I thought would struggle with my identity became allies. Others, whose support I took for granted, drifted away. This has been both heartbreaking and liberating. It's taught me to value quality over quantity, to cherish the relationships that uplift me, and to let go of those that don't honor my truth.
Navigating relationships as a trans woman requires vulnerability and courage. It means having difficult conversations, setting boundaries, and advocating for your needs. It also means recognizing that your worth is not determined by others' ability to accept you. This was a hard lesson to learn, but it has brought me a deep sense of empowerment.
At the same time, I've found joy in building new relationships—with other LGBTQIA+ siblings, allies, and friends who see me for who I am. These connections have reminded me that love and friendship can be found in unexpected places. They've also shown me that living authentically doesn't just transform your own life—it transforms the lives of those around you, creating more profound, meaningful connections built on honesty and mutual respect.
Living Authentically Means Embracing Advocacy
When you live openly as a trans person, you are inherently challenging societal norms. This fact has become even more apparent, with trans people becoming political pawns in the last few years. Whether you intend to or not, your visibility becomes a form of advocacy. Over the past five years, I've come to see my story as a powerful tool—not just for myself but for others who see themselves reflected in my journey.
Advocacy doesn't always involve standing on a stage or leading a protest. Sometimes, it's as simple as living your life unapologetically—showing others that it's possible to thrive as a trans woman. It's about sharing your story, not to educate or convince but to connect. It's about reminding others they are not alone and that their truth is valid and worthy.
But being a visible trans woman also comes with challenges. Our society is still deeply rooted in patriarchal and binary systems that resist change. Trans women, especially those who are Black, Indigenous, or women of color, face heightened levels of discrimination and violence. Living authentically in this context requires resilience and a willingness to push back against systemic oppression. I've learned that advocacy is not just about fighting for your own rights—it's about fighting to build a more inclusive world for everyone. It's about amplifying the voices of those who are often silenced, challenging harmful stereotypes, and fostering empathy and understanding. Advocacy can feel overwhelming at times, but it's also deeply rewarding. It reminds me that my story, my voice, and my truth have the power to create change—not just for me but for future generations.
Community is Not Optional—It's Essential
If there's one lesson that stands out above all others, it's this: community is not a luxury—it's a necessity. Living authentically as a trans woman can be isolating, especially in a world that often marginalizes and misunderstands us. But finding a community of people who share your experiences is transformative. It's where you find strength, validation, and belonging.
For me, community has been a lifeline. It's where I've connected with other trans women who understand the unique challenges of transitioning. It's where I've found people who celebrate my victories, hold space for my struggles, and remind me that I'm not alone. These connections have given me the courage to keep going, even on the most challenging days.
But community is not just about receiving support—it's about giving it, too. Over the past five years, I've found immense joy in mentoring others, sharing my story, and contributing to a network of mutual care. A profound sense of fulfillment comes from knowing you've helped someone else on their journey, just as others have helped you on yours.
Community is also a reminder of our collective strength. When we come together, we are unstoppable. We challenge societal norms, advocate for change, and create spaces of belonging that uplift everyone. Community is where we find hope, resilience, and joy. It's where we are reminded that, no matter how difficult the journey may be, we are never truly alone.
Final Reflections
Looking back on the past five years, I am struck by how much I've grown—not just as a person but as a woman, a friend, and an advocate. These lessons—self-acceptance, the ripple effects of coming out, the complexity of relationships, the power of advocacy, and the necessity of community—have shaped me in ways I never could have imagined.
They've taught me that living authentically is not just about embracing your truth—it's about navigating the world with courage, compassion, and an unwavering commitment to yourself.
Living authentically is not always easy, but it is always worth it. It's a journey of self-discovery, connection, and growth that transforms every aspect of your life. And if there's one thing I've learned above all else, it's this: you are enough, exactly as you are, and you are never alone.